Right now, I am feeling your groove inside. You are stirring, probably getting more out of space than ever now. You move a lot even at this stage, I wonder how you'll be when you are outside my womb. Relieved maybe? Ahh.... so much space to kick out those cute little legs.
You are now considered as full-term baby. That means, whenever you decide to make a debut into this world, the chances that you will survive are quite high. Well done sweetheart! You make it this far, we make it this far baby! I love you so much, knowing that you inherit my strong survival will from the moment you were an embryo :)
But just to update you. After the good news in Week 32 (yeay, everything seems perfect!), things get a little bumpy around Week 34 to Week 36. Firstly, within those three weeks, I've managed to get myself admitted in the hospital twice. The first time is because the doctor is convinced that I have GDM but I did not take her seriously so she took a drastic step i.e. get me admitted so that my blood glucose can be monitored for the whole day.
Then just as I had accepted the fact that I may have GDM, in Week 35 I suddenly had strong contractions and Daddy rushed me to hospital. Turned out I had false labour but had to stay in the hospital again until the contractions subsided.
I'm not really sure why these things happened but I believe it happened for a reason that only God knows. What I do know is, after these little incidents, I started to take better care of my health for your sake. I watch my diet and manage to get my blood glucose level in check. I even lost some weight within these 2 weeks! o_0 Seriously, it never happened before!
My little sayang,
Let's come back to the title of the post - why I said that you will most probably make your appearance on our 6th wedding anniversary. You see, because my doctor thinks I have gestational diabetes, she is not willing to take the risk to allow me to carry you until 40th weeks. In fact, she is suggesting that I should be induced at Week 38 - yup, just a little over 1 week left now!
I am really concerned baby - this is going to be my first time to push a baby through my vajayjay since your elder sister was born through C-section. I visualised that it will be just like in a movie - my water break, I somehow managed to remain calm and practise all those breathing techniques and then you were delivered au naturel - no drugs required. Easy-peasy-breezy.
Then suddenly I am told that I have to be induced - or maybe have another C-sec. Understandably, I freaked out. I asked around and heard different stories from a lot of experienced mothers. Some said that being induced is more painful than having natural contractions. Some said the pain is the same, just quicker. Some said, it's not quick at all because it's forced dilation and can take hours to dilate to 10cm. Whatever it is, being induced does not seem like a favorable way to deliver a baby.
I questioned the doctor's judgment because I have successfully controlled my blood glucose level, you are the right size for your age (i.e. you are not oversized, thank God!), your water is not too much and not too little and the placenta is where it's supposed to be. So why insist that I should be induced rather than wait for the labour to come?
This is where my judgment as a mother is tested. Should I heed the doctor's advice because the risk of you not surviving up to Week 40 is there due to whatever reason (placenta cannot provide nutrition and baby starved in womb and born a stillbirth), or should I heed my reason that things are under controlled and I want a stress-free natural birth? The question that I cannot answer is whether the risk is imminent enough to warrant an induced labour.
I have 2 weeks left to decide.
My precious baby,
I pray that you will be born healthy and alive. I'm convinced that you are doing ok right now but what happens during birth is beyond our control. Allah knows what's best for us and whatever fate He's decided for us, we must accept it. We, baby and Mommy, must put our trust and our lives in His hands and may He guide us to the right path.
Be healthy and enjoy the last weeks of being in my warm and safe womb. I love you so much.
How are you doing in there, baby? Are you comfortable? I hope so. Now that you've grown a little bigger, I imagine the space in my tummy is getting a little snug for you. Not that it stops you from being very active - kicking, moving, stirring and doing unimaginable acrobatic moves that sometimes make me go - 'Oofff!' That elbow-jabbing thing? Please avoid it, darling.
My little one,
This week you turned 32 weeks. According to my pregnancy apps, should you ever decide to pop out now, your chance of survival is quite bright. However, let's just wait for a few more weeks, ok sweetie? Although yes, sometimes I do wish that you are already full-term and I could go on maternity leave anytime now because work is suffocating sometimes. I wished to dump everything, have a baby (safely, of course) and leave all the work problems behind. But I'm not that type of person. I like closure. I like doing things properly, handing over my job and then have a peace of mind. I hope when you grow up, you will be a responsible adult like Mommy (haha, ok well most of the time anyway). Don't make people hate you.
Ok, I'm digressing too much here.
The update that I have this week actually happened last week. Remember the week Dr Tan told us that she discovered amniotic band in the placenta? Well, it freaked me out a lot. So I pestered her into recommending me to go for a detailed scan. I just want to be prepared, dear. I know the risk is there, but at least if there is a risk of you being born with physical impairment, I want to be prepared. Don't fret, I would love you regardless of how you look like. But, as your mother, I want to ensure that you get the best medical treatment and coverage and perhaps, I will have to forego some of my plans to ensure that you get that.
So, we went to see another Dr Tan, who performed the detailed scan last week Thursday. I went with your dad, and I was glad that he was there too.
My darling child,
What a relief I got after I went for that detailed scan! Everything seemed to be ok. The amniotic band is not deterring your growth or anything, and the doctor declared that you seemed to be growing healthily. When he scanned your facial structure, he did not see any signs of cleft lips, your brain is developing ok, your heart is ok. You have all your fingers on your hands and feet, which are adorably curled up in that fetal position.
But the thing that makes me go 'aawww...' is the fact that your nose is shaped like your sister's (and mine). It's those cute button nose (I'm shameless to say that my nose is cute, but I like my nose!). It makes me look forward to finally meet you in person, little baby. I pray that you will be as beautiful as your big sister.
I have a confession to make. I have not been taking care of myself and my diet since I was pregnant with you. Maybe because from the word 'go', you seemed to be more enduring than your sister? I did not know I was pregnant with you when I went for that rough trip in the jungle terrain of Sarawak. Despite going through the bumps, the high altitude and also riding my bike to work every day, you seemed to be one strong little fella. I felt a lot calmer and confident when I am carrying you compared to the time when I was carrying your sister.
Perhaps that is why I am less disciplined when I'm having you. I did not stop drinking Coke occasionally, or having daily cups of caffeine-laden drinks (coffee, I mean) which I somehow take to the liking nowadays.
I stop taking my pregnancy supplement because I'm worried that you will grow too big to push through my vajayja (Alhamdulillah, despite skipping the supplement, you are still growing at the right pace). Yet, I worry that you might not get enough nutrients to ensure a healthy growth.
But the thing that makes me feel very, very guilty is I have not been reading Quran to you, baby. I know it's very good for your soul as well as mine to read verses from Quran while you are in my tummy. But somehow I'm too lazy... I keep promising that I will do it tomorrow, but tomorrow came and I still find excuses to skip this crucial ritual.
Daddy is always telling me that your sister turned out beautiful because I read Surah Yusuf when I was pregnant with her. But with you? Oh my dear baby, I'm so sorry!
My little pumpkin,
I pray to Allah that you will be protected from all evil. I believe in Him that he created all humans including you in a pure form. I want to be a good mother to you and your sister. I want you both to grow up not just physically healthy, but spiritually balanced as well. Right now I know I'm doing little to do that. Can you pray to God that Mommy will find the strength to read the Quran to you before you are born?
Before I end this letter, my sweetheart, I want to stress again how much I love you. You have never caused me much worry throughout this pregnancy. I know I have to thank Allah for that. For keeping you safe. I am so looking forward to meet you dear child. 8 more weeks. It's not a long time. In the mean time, I pray that I will be strong physically, mentally and spiritually to bring you to this world. I can't wait to cuddle you and shower you with kisses.
How are you doing in Mommy's tummy? Are you enjoying yourself rolling around and playing the poking games? I hope so. Sometimes I found it funny when your sis and you took turns kicking my tummy. Talk about early sibling rivalry!
Today we went for six months' checkup. Mommy is happy that the blood pressure and weight gain are just fine.
But when it was time to do the ultrasound, something happened. After measuring your head circumference (normal), she spotted something that made her pause and pressed the scanner firmer on my lower tummy.
She concentrated so hard on something and only answered me in distracted manner. I thought she had probably seen another baby ('guess what? You're carrying twins!') but no. That wasn't what happened.
After the scan, we sat in front of her and she proceeded to draw a womb. She explained about the womb's structure - the placenta, the membrane and whatnots. Then she said, 'sometimes in between the amniotic sac there's another layer called the amniotic band.'
So I asked how does it affect your development because she looked rather worried just now.
She tried to make it sound light and reassuring, telling me that the one she spotted just now did not seem to affect you. It was after all just a thin membrane which she described 'as thin as a curtain layer' and hardly harmful.
But I was not convinced. I asked what is the worst case scenario? She replied that you could have moved actively and suddenly got tangled in the amniotic band. Then you will have some sort of signs around your limb.
She made it sound as if it was nothing too serious. But after that, I googled about the amniotic band and was so horrified to see pictures of babies' limbs after they got constricted in it - there's a medical term for it called 'ABS'. Some limbs couldn't be saved and had to be amputated because it didn't develop. Some babies ended up with cleft palate. In worst case scenario the band constricted the umbilical cord and cut off all oxygen and blood supply - resulting in fatal case.
At this moment I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless especially since Dr Tan said there's nothing that we botch could do about it. Should I go for a detailed scan to confirm that it was indeed amniotic band or whether your hands / feet are safe? What if you already got tangled in it because I always feel that you only stick to one side of my tummy? How do I save you my child??
I just pray that we are in the not serious at all category where the band will just end up disappeared without causing you any harm.
Please, please, please baby... Stay away from the amniotic band and move carefully. I love you so much and don't want you to be hurt in any way.
Please don't make me worry.
I pray to You to have mercy on my child and protect her from any harms. But if it is meant to be, give me the courage and ways to cope with it.
It's been a while since I last wrote about you. Did I mention how crestfallen I was during the last checkup because I couldn't see your gender? Well, it's not your fault, you were sleeping. Nevertheless I was looking forward to the next checkup which eventually came yesterday.
Yesterday you turned 5 months in my tummy. Hooray for baby! ;) Every day you make your presence felt especially after I had Iftar. You tended to kick and somersault as if you were so delighted that tasty food is passing the umbilical cord. Hehe.
Everybody was so sure that this time around I'm carrying a boy. This pregnancy felt quite different than the first one. Like, how my belly button is sinking in, not poking out. And how I am very concerned with my appearance compared to last time where I didn't give a hoot about makeup or maternity dress. Plus time time my belly is huge for a five month preggie!
But, today. During the scan (you moved this time, albeit not kicking or anything but just stirring inside), Dr Tan was able to have a glimpse of that part. And yeay, Mommy's having another girl! :)
But unlike when I first found out about your sister's gender, the doctor sounded unsure. Last time, the doctor at Samuel Clinic took a look and stated, 'it's a girl' with conviction.
This time, Dr Tan sounded, 'Doesn't look like a boy.' So I took it that you're not a boy.
Boy or girl, we're just happy that you're growing well in there. You measured your age (not big nor small for your age), and active. Daddy was not surprised that you are a girl, because I once told him of a dream I had before I fell pregnant with your sister, of us taking Raya photo - me, Daddy and two little girls whose age are not far apart.
I pray that you will be healthy and safe for the rest of this pregnancy. Happy thriving baby! And I love you as much as I love your sister, Khayla.
Last Saturday, we went for my fourth month checkup.
I was looking forward to this checkup. Everyone has been telling me that I am different compared to when I was pregnant with Khayla. I am less cranky (yes, sometimes I do raise my voice in the office, but not all the time now), I fuss about my appearance, and I have a worse morning sickness than last time.
So expectations are running high that I might be carrying a boy this time.
So, after the usual blood pressure test, weighing, peeing and whatnots, I was called into my gynae's room. It was quite early in the morning, so service was quite fast. Dr Tan was also able to spare longer time to discuss about issues and concerns that I raised.
But first, the ultrasound scan.
I hopped onto the examining bed, and stared excitedly at the screen. Dr Tan had the roller on my tummy and we had a glimpse of the baby (wow, double the size compared to last month!). She measured the head circumference and in a pleased voice noted that baby is exactly his/her age - 16weeks.
She then measured the body, and then the femur bone (also appropriate size for a 16-week pregnancy.
Then I asked the million dollar question - 'So doc, is it a boy or a girl?'
She tried to scan at that area but once again, like Khayla did before, baby had his/her legs closed and did not even budge from his/her position!
Baby is also not moving as active as last checkup, which could only mean that he/she is sleeping. Hmm. I should have drunk coffee before I went for the checkup (haha, kidding!).
So, there goes another month guessing the gender.
But I'm glad baby is doing fine and growing healthily in there, Alhamdulillah. Congratulations, baby. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.
I want to laugh when I think about how I look forward to Week 13. The end of trimester 1, restored health and sanity.
But now I'm at Week 14 and life is still a game plan for me. The toilet sink is still my best friend. I'm glad I invest in a wide sink.
Anyway, I've grown so huge that people thought I'm already 6 months pregger when I'm barely in my fourth month! It makes me wonder whether I'm carrying twins.
For the past two weeks, I've managed to gain 2kg! How distressing.
I think I'd better stop whining so much about how much suffering I'm going through. At least it means baby is doing fine in there. Well, I still hope miraculously there are 2 babies in there so at least I can tell people that I'm huge coz of that.
Baby(ies), mommy love you. Please don't take heart on what mommy is writing here. I'm just letting it out of my chest so I don't have to keep all this misery inside. I just want to focus on being thrilled for having you, just like how I felt with your elder sister.
And Daddy is also as thrilled as I am. He has been helping out with the cooking, cleaning, washing and looking after your sister so I could rest. It's not his fault that he couldn't show as much concern towards me as before coz his hands are full with the housework and your sister. So at the moment, we'll look after each other, ok baby(ies)?